Consolation and Desolation

I have just recovered from a particular desolation, and the period of consolation begins again. It is a weird thing, whenever I am in desolation I seek the ending of all desolations, yet when I am in consolation I can experience God’s Love once more and then I can understand that all of those desolations were not for naught. Some of you might be unfamiliar with the terms I am using. Desolation is a period where you feel separation or distance from God, real or illusory. True separation from God occurs in the state of mortal sin, so the desolation might very well be correlated with the mortal sin. If one is in a state of grace instead, then the separation is an illusion, yet it the feelings are very real. Consolation is on the other hand a period where you feel union or closeness with God. There are false consolations, where you simply feel happy or joyful without relation to God, and there are true consolations, where indeed the joy you feel makes you truly closer to God.

I just confessed 2 days ago, so that has restored me to the state of grace and thus the union with God, or the Divine Indwelling takes effect now and I am restored from desolation. What was the cause of the desolation? Some of you are witnesses to this event. I was prideful in thinking that I can challenge philosophically on an atheist’s belief system, and instead of proving the truth of my Faith, I fell into a desolation, a crisis of faith. I was unprepared, and when I tried to gather information about the argument, I failed to understand the argument and I tried to make my own argument. My argument was rejected because I did not understand the material enough. It was all a matter of pride, right? That I thought I had sufficient capacity to create my own understanding, yet it was deeper than pride.

It all has to do with a longing for God. I have been depressed for a long time, and I sought for a way out. My intellect leads me to understand that God is the only way out. This leads to a deep desire for God. I became very emotionally attached to the Lord, because I understood He is the only Being which can satisfy my heart’s longings. As some would say, “There is a God shaped hole in everyone’s heart.” To be told that I have to wait even more to grasp an at least certain knowledge of God is what struck me down and that I broke down in tears as I retreated from the conversation. In desolation, everything felt like such a long time and my intellect is clouded even more than it already is by the Fall. As such, I wished for everything to end and for the glorious vision of God to begin. However, thoughts such as those are temporary.

When I am restored to consolation, by the grace of God of course, I am reminded clearly of a private revelation I received in a certain way from God regarding my desolations. My desolations are clearly my cross, the cross that I have to bear and it is exactly that I shall be overwhelmed by my sufferings and my darkness that becomes my cross. My cross is precisely complete suffering, a suffering without any kind of joy and happiness inside of it. For suffering with joy and happiness becomes an imperfect and incomplete kind of suffering. It is what I call partial suffering. So now in consolation I am able to attain greater joy and peace that these sufferings perfect my cross. I am also confident that this injustice I suffer shall be corrected by God in the end, and that my hopes for greater holiness can be achieved in God’s Mercy and Justice.

This concludes my writing for now.

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