Examen 31 January 2023

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen. Today is the last day of January. It is the beginning of my activities. I conquered temptation today by the grace of Christ. Yet now I suffer at the end of the day. Everything seems empty. My studies of the Catechism seems, without meaning. They are all without direction. I merely desire to serve my God and my neighbor. Yet how has my work served them? I only hope that my work shall contribute to eventual service of my neighbor and of God. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

I perceive pain. I perceive suffering. I do not know why. I simply encounter emptiness again. Yet I still possess the joy of Christ. It’s just, heavy, and painful. I was thinking about water. I am not sure which aspect I want to discuss, merely of water proper, of the social aspect of water, the economics of water, or my personal experiences with the distribution of water. I also want to know why angkot have different colors, the angkot at Bintaro is white, while the angkot at my place is green. Yet if I say these things, what good do they carry to mankind? There are 2 aspects to the fulfillment of man’s wants, needs, and desires, the objective aspect and subjective aspect. Man objectively needs God in Christ Jesus. Subjectively man wants whatever they want, away from God. So what must we give to man? What they want or what they need? It seems we desire to make people as happy as possible, immediately. Yet happiness is not immediate, it is a process. We can choose to be happy now, sure, but never in perfect happiness. Immediate happiness, might not always lead to further happiness, it might lead to the fullness of death and suffering. And God reveals to us, that the tendency is, immediate happiness leads to greater suffering, while immediate suffering leads to greater happiness. We need to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. People need to hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Yet when we speak the Word of God, many are offended and many are hurt by our words. Many suffer due to what we say. Do we then stop speaking? This requires great wisdom. We must discern whether we must stop speaking or keep speaking. Yet many times, if one expresses pain at what we say, then we can only stop or else worse things will happen. Then we must let them be, and wait until God Himself processes our friend. Eventually, we will stop speaking altogether to man, and we can only speak to God Himself, in the hopes that it is He who will speak personally to man.

A thought. What is my purpose in life? To be a channel of God’s grace to others and to myself. How do I do that? There are many ways. The best way is to maximize the totality of God’s graces and gifts to me. I identify my gifts as primarily the intellect, and the expression of my intellect. That is, my thinking and my writing or speech. So I must use that to help those in need of my thoughts. I do not mean my thoughts as in intellectual material, rather anything of my mind which I can deliver to help my fellow humans. It might be actual intellection, or it can simply be encouraging words, or it can even be my silence and my attention. Even silence is a product of the intellect. Perhaps eventually I will learn to stop giving and just receive. Since to give is to receive and to receive is to give. Yet God demands me to give. So I must give. Yet I fear, I genuinely fear in my intellect that my giving will lead to nothing or it will lead to worse things. That is why, that is why I have not been able to give anything to my family. Because I fear, that if I give the only thing I possess, that is Christ, it will hurt them and cause further damage to my family. I then feel comfortable and safe to not give them Christ because I do not know what Christ will do to me and my family. I have seen what Christ does to my friend. He beats my friend, and now my friend fears Him. So I fear that He shall do even worse to my family. He divides people. He isolates people. He leads people to their cross. Yet He reassures us that His promises is in the next life, and not this life. He promises us suffering in this life and joy in the next life. My Lord and my God, Jesus Christ, please hear all of these prayers. Hear my supplications and petitions to Thee, that Thou shall do with me as Thy Will. I shall write my examen now.


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