Spiritual Testimony

This is a translation of a testimony which I have sent to many people and many reacted positively, indicating that my words have given goodness to people. For that reason I am moved to share this to you as well, with the hope that God may work through my words for your goodness.

To my brothers and sisters in our Lord Jesus Christ. This story is a true story of my experiences as a Catholic and as a follower of Christ. In truth I do not feel worthy to share this story, for I am merely a sinful servant of God who must shut up and listen more than speaking. Yet, Christ commands us to preach the Gospel and as a lay Dominican I am bound to contemplate and share the fruits of my contemplation. So whether I want or not, ready or not, worthy or not, I must speak. I pray to our Lord Jesus Christ that not only I speak but rather the Holy Spirit works through me. I pray that this writing is useful for you and not just for mental masturbation.

This writing is inspired from a conversation I had on the 16^th of February, the year of our Lord 2023. Truly I have a spiritual wealth which I hide, by the only reason that I fear that I am unworthy to share this wealth and my greatest fear that I shall be judged and rejected by you. However, I recognize that that fear must be destroyed and slowly my mouth must open and preach every love of God which was given to me as a testimony to God’s infinite goodness.

The main inspiration is contemplation. I reflect that I have many life experiences with God but why do I not preach and share them to other people? Since some time ago, I have declared to God and bind myself in a covenant with Him, that all of my life is to be offered up to Him and Him only. Until now this covenant applies and I am only interested in one thing only, that is the service of God and to my neighbor as means to serve God. This does not mean I no longer fall, even the Apostle Paul still struggles after he repents, in fact his struggle is heavier, let alone I who is still far below the Teacher of the Nations.

There are many contemplative experiences which I can share, but for now I desire to share a fundamental thing in my spiritual life, that is prayer. I distinguish prayer into 2 forms, formal or vocal prayer and informal or mental prayer as taught by St Theresa of Avila. I practice the 2 forms, for they are all good, but I practice mental prayer more. Formal prayer is wonderful, but I believe that if we want to have a deeper relationship with God we must go beyond formal words and enter a more authentic friendship with Him. The final step is total silence where prayer no longer uses words, as God knows us and we have known God, the rest is mere practice or orthopraxy.

In my mental prayers, I often encounter “strange” or to be accurate “unexpected” spiritual encounters, which are the mere grace of Christ. I have more than 3 times tasted heaven and theosis and the greatest experience is when I received the Eucharist. Last year, I celebrated the Eucharist and before I received Christ, I prayed, “O Christ, give me the graces which I need according to Your Will.” Then when Christ entered my body and soul, at once a great joy and happiness was felt with an inexpressible peace. I almost cried and there I saw Him, as if the veil of my intellect was partially unveiled and the light of the glory of God hit my soul. What can I say about this formless vision? God is glorious, holy, and verily beautiful. If you see Him, you will be joyful and greatly grateful to God for He has given you a most expensive gift freely to you.

This was repeated several times before and after that Eucharist, but it is in the Eucharist I saw Christ in His greatest form so far. Are there mental images? No. So my mind was dark, but beyond that darkness there is a recognition and experience of the depths of the Divine Essence. There was no sound either, merely the pure Existence, which I recognize as God. I simply enjoyed that grace. Lately I have not had such great experience again, merely I enjoy the constant presence of Christ in my life.

Another thing about mental prayer is the presence of intense communication between me and Christ. Christ speaks to me in a constant inner voice. I was once deceived by the evil powers in inner voice as well. Yet now that voice is the voice of Christ Himself. How do I know that it is Christ? For my life changes and I am directed to repentance and I dive deeper to the orthodoxy of the Holy Catholic Church. So from the coherency between inner voice and the fruits of the Holy Spirit, I know that it is of Christ. What has He said to me? Everything useful for my spiritual life and for the deepening of my relationship with Him.

I have spoken about this with my spiritual director and he shows no objection to my stories. He said that I am truly guided by Christ and my process is good. For that, I recognize that indirectly, represented by that priest, the Church recognizes the validity of my experiences. However, if at one point the Church orders me to cease my words, I will submit loyally to the Holy Catholic Church, mater et magistra.

I wish to close my story with a reflection. That is regarding the satisfaction of the ego or often called mental masturbation. I am always fearful of that. For I was once scolded or accused of that. That is, all of my good works are in vain for they are all for my own purposes. That is, I have no love and probably the Holy Spirit is not with me. I am highly fearful of that, for I am embarassed and I hate such things. I hate being fake or hypocritical or being inauthentic the most. Thus I was angry and hurt and became very fearful from those words.

Yet, now I understand the true meaning of joy as promised by Christ. Christ teaches us to take up the cross and deny ourselves but at the same time He asks us to “always be joyful”. Is there a contradiction? There is not. For the joy promised by Christ is not worldly joy or happiness, but it is on a much higher level, that is divine joy. This joy comes from God, is constant, and is immutable by the world. This joy is strength for me and for many others as well. We are joyful not because of the world but Christ who lives, who died, and who rises for our salvation.

This joy may very well overflow to our emotions and we feel a great emotional or physical happiness and joy. Yet that is not the point. We may not always be positive emotionally, suffering will come, and towards the end times it will increase. What is important is how we maintain that joy and love of Christ in us, not only at the emotional level but also at a higher spiritual level which is fully the grace and love of Christ.

Therefore, in all of our spiritual life, it is truly unworthy and blasphemous if we live only for temporary emotional satisfaction. However, if we live for the joy that has been prepared by Christ for us, that is truly right. As such, the concept of satisfying the ego must be understood correctly if we are not to fall in the thinking that if something tortures us and enslaves us, we can still do it. It is not that, instead it means that our actions must not be controlled by temporary emotion, but by the eternal joy and love of Christ, by the eternal and inextinguishable fire of the Holy Spirit, and by the power of the Father which transcends all things. That is sufficient for now, thank you. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.