Examen 1-7 January 2023

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen. Examen of 1 to 7 January 2023. This first week has been a sorrowful week. For I was not productive many days, not in writing and not in prayer. I must pray more, especially the Rosary so I can obtain graces for myself and for those I love. I have also sinned in impurity many times. The understanding that the voice who speaks to me is only my conscience does not help me in my relationship with God. My plans for 2023 has not been fulfilled at all and I cannot begin well, but it is my hope in the grace of God that He shall affect a change in me such that I will end this year well.

For I wrote this on the 8th, I shall speak as well on some of my troubles. It seems either God or the demons are trying to move my mind to the theology of the Reformed. I am scared to leave the Church and I truly do not want to leave the Church. Yet the Reformed theology seems so enticing and rationally tempting. The idea of unconditional election and compatibilist free will messes with my mind. That I fundamentally cannot do anything to merit anything in relationship to God. And somehow, the reformed theology, while tempting, actually makes me feel more distant from God. I know it is not a sin, but it is as if I am drifting even further from God in my perception. My Faith in the Church and her sacraments dwindle, and so I feel God is even less accessible than ever.

Then to join in the sacraments of the Holy Catholic Church and her sacred prayers of devotion will only bring further suffering to me. For I ought to force and coerce myself to continue in the participation of the life of Christ even when my emotions begins to abandon Christ’s Body. While there is no perception of God within my personal life in the Church, there is an intellectual awareness that God is certainly present in the Holy Catholic Church. That intellectual conviction is what is known as the Faith. To assent to the truths of God as revealed through the Church and actively practice those truths. As it is said in the Thomistic hymn, “Where sense fails, Faith suffices”, not a precise quote. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

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