Examen 21 December 2022

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen. Today’s examen on 21 December 2022. I am grateful to God for He has given me the grace to live, to write, and to speak with my friends. I am also grateful to God that I can suffer today, such that I have suffering to offer to God for the graces of other people. I am sorry to God that I acted improperly when I suffered. And also that I resisted resting and was obsessed on writing. I am sorry that I failed to go to Mass and also the Rosary today. But I am grateful for the spiritual vision that He gave me today.

The pain of life begins to surge again, causing me to doubt in my self, but I must fight through and write this down. There are 2 levels of friendship. The natural friendship and the supernatural friendship. In the natural friendship, the friend is valuable in relationship to ourselves, in the supernatural friendship, the friend is valuable as themselves. Supernatural friendship can be divided into 2 kinds further, worldly friendship and holy friendship. In worldly friendship we only focus on the worldly goodness of our friend, in a holy friendship we focus primarily on the eternal goodness of our friend.

Below, is a writing I composed.

He is too bright

The brightness of His Glory pierces through my soul and it's turning me crazy

Ah! Let this be my silent witness of my vision and my desperation.

I have been condemned by God to suffer throughout my mortal life. There will always be suffering. This suffering consists in loneliness. This emptiness and this distance from God.

But then God opened the veil for me to see His Glory, and my soul was transfixed on this vision of glory for some time until it passes.

The grace I had not asked for

But the vision does not fill me with joy, it simply pierces me even further. It is so good, but it is painful. And then it stops and I return to the original state of suffering

I want to be liberated from my emotions

From my passions

Yet God has decreed for my sanctity and holiness that I am to suffer this injustice of the soul until I die.

This is what God has revealed to me, that my desire for holiness and God has not gone overlooked by His All-Seeing Eye. For that reason I am to pass through periods of intense suffering, where I may forget God, and suffer through a taste of hell itself, and then be restored.

Great is the Lord for He designs my life for the optimal holiness just for me.

He does not make me the Blessed Virgin for I would not withstand the holiness, but neither does He reprobate me for it would not be right or just for what have I given to the Lord. Praise be to the Holy and Merciful Triune God! Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen!

He set a place in heaven just for me. Where I would receive my due reward and the appropriate Mercy God has set aside for me.

There tears shall be wiped away for the former things are past, and then I shall glorify the Lord and worship Him forever.

Great is the Lord who does all these things for me, he who does not deserve anything from the Lord yet He gave me all these things.

Cursed be my sins and my rebellion against God!

Cursed be my pride and my arrogance against God and against my neighbor

But blessed is he who is humble, righteous, and virtuous before the Lord!

For he shall reap great rewards in the Lord

Lord, never take away your Spirit from me, return to me the joy of your salvation

Thus concludes my praise of God, blessed be Him who loves us all forever.

Sekarang, terjemahan Indonesianya.

Syukur kepada-Mu ya Allah atas kehidupan yang telah Engkau anugrahkan kepadaku pada hari ini, atas rahmat yang Engkau berikan untuk hidup, menulis, bersahabat, pengalaman rohani, dan juga rahmat penderitaan sehingga aku dapat mempersembahkannya demi saudaraku manusia. Ya Allah, aku minta maaf karena aku bertindak kurang sesuai dalam sengsaraku, aku gagal mengikuti Misa, dan aku gagal berdoa Rosario. Ampunilah aku ya Allah, dan berilah aku rahmat untuk memperbaiki hidupku di esok hari.

Suatu konsep persahabatan, ada 2 jenis persahabatan, yang kodrati dan adikodrati. Persahabatan kodrati tidak melibatkan kasih yang sejati karena hanyalah beberapa orang saling memanfaatkan. Persahabatan adikodrati dilandaskan kasih yang hanya mungkin berasal dari Allah, di mana sahabat kita berharga karena dirinya sendiri dan kita mengasihi dia demi dirinya dan bukan untuk memanfaatkan dia. Persahabatan yang paling tinggi adalah yang kudus, di mana para sahabat saling membawa kepada Allah, kebaikan kekal bagi manusia.

Kekeringan rohani terus melanda hidupku. Namun, Allah selalu datang untuk menyiramiku dan memelukku. Dia selalu datang pada waktu yang tepat untuk menyegarkan aku. Sekarang, apakah tulisanku masih berharga? Apakah saudaraku manusia membutuhkan pemikiranku yang tinggi dan abstrak? Apakah aku kelak harus mengorbankan segala pemikiranku dan hasrat tulisanku? Aku ingin melayani saudaraku manusia, itu saja. Jadi ya Allahku, tunjukkanlah bagaimana aku dapat melayani saudaraku manusia dengan lebih baik lagi. Aku rasa cukuplah tulisanku pada saat ini.