For God

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, amen. A journey of Faith. I was going to write down what I have written in my mother tongue into the lingua franca of the world. However, I feel tired. However, I know I must write one way or another. I want my story to be known, as a testimony of God’s work in my life. It is not about me, but about God. He loves me, that is why I exist. Yet His love is a pure act, it is not a feeling within Him. For He lacks the changes of passion as we possess in our humanity.

Whether my detailed memories are important? No, I have that in Indonesian. I can only write what I can write, that is all. The rest is God’s work. He introduced Himself as my Eternal Mother. Yet I am adopted by Him as His precious child. Because I am not of His substance. When my earthly mother died, and when I had not known my Queen, I longed for a mother. So the Lord our God came to me and cared for me as my Eternal Mother since then until now. I was blind to all of His acts of love. Yet they were all there, He sustains me through all of my life. His Grace is ever present in my life.

I was guided through dangerous roads, which involved multiple deaths and destruction of my self. Yet in the end I reached safe lands. I hate having to write “I, I, I”. I want to write He, He, and He. Yet this is how He guides me. I am wanted in His story of salvation. Yet now I feel so far from Him than when I first met Him as my Eternal Mother. O my God, why do I feel this pain of longing of You? Yet I know, that I can never be with You as I am with another man. We are a nature apart, we are forever separated by the cruel difference of our substances. My knowledge of You is my curse, for now I know the impossibility of my desire of You.

I am cursed to live with this pain for the rest of my mortal life. Yet I must hope for Your final salvation of my soul from my wretched sins and wounds. From the injustice that I face. I long to be Your lover again. Yet I am never the lover, I am the beloved. For You cannot receive any more love from me. Whatever You receive from me, You shall return to me in multiplied graces. Yet I have always longed to be Your lover. But it is precisely Your perfection that limits our relationship. As tears well up in my eyes, I seek to write a love letter to You, and I want You to keep it, do not return it to me with more love, but I know You will refuse that prayer, and You will give it back to me multiplied in graces and I will have to receive it from You.

In the beginning, You crafted me wonderfully and fearfully in my mother’s womb. You brought me into Your Church, into Your own Body. You infused into my soul an understanding of You from the beginning. I knew not particular technical labels, I only knew that I was a Christian, a follower and lover of You. You invited me into the priesthood, which I sought to answer. Yet I am unworthy to be Your priest. You loved me even as I doubted You, even as I commit heresies upon heresies. You loved me even as I misidentified You all across mankind, missing You in Your Humanity as Christ.

You taught me as a Good Teacher, You taught me personally when I was alone. Yet still You are there through the voice of the Church, but truly they are Your Voice. You are my Good Shepherd who fed me all this times, even as I engaged in gluttonous idolatry over You. You consoled me even when I have rebelled against You. You are my first love, and I pray that You will be my only love, to whom I give worship and adoration for all of my life. Lord, I know that this letter says pretty much nothing about my life, but I have that in Indonesian. I just want to write for You. For You are my lover, and I am Your beloved, until forever. Glory be to You the Father, Glory be to You the Son, Glory be to You the Holy Spirit, as it was since eternity, is now, and until eternity, amen.

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