Testimony and Lamentations

May this work be a channel of the grace of God to you. There are many things I must write down here. First is the unusual occurences which has happened to me. This unusual occurrence is that I seem to have fallen in love in God like a highschool girl falls in love with her crush. The consequence is I seem to develop a desire to actually praise God and worship Him. Most of the time, I do it sincerely, but I don’t feel that passion or spirit to love Him. Even today it is a short lived emotion. I know that emotions can be fickle, but they can be used for our advantage as well. When we are happy, glorify God and increase our sanctification. When we are sad, offer the sadness as a sacrifice and endure it for our sanctification. In other words, any emotion can be used to increase our sanctification.

Then I recall the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. Now some of you may criticize me for this writing, for this inconsistent view. However, I am simply impressionable by people which I view as an authority, such as one of our friends. That is my true fault. Yes, the suggestive power of the outpouring is enough to change one’s life and lead someone to repentance, the testimonies prove that. On the contrary, there is actual prayer being done in the outpouring, and for sure that prayer is directed to the Triune God, and He hears it, and He answers as He wishes. So why do we discount an actual extra-sacramental work of the Holy Spirit? The fruits are clear, people are led deeper into the sacramental life of the Church, and not into separation from the Church. If this is not a work of the Holy Spirit, then at least it is not of the devil either. As the charismatic movement strengthens the Catholics in their Faith, even if perceived to be unfitting by some traditionalists.

So I figured that in a spiritual sense, it is possible that it is only now that the fruits of the outpouring is revealed. It was after the outpouring that I experienced the ecstasy of the Eucharist and experienced these desires of God. Then I must tell you something as well, during my Personal Evangelization Course, I witnessed an interesting vision once more. It is a vision of formlessness, which I can only interpret to be a taste of the beatific vision. It continued for some time, until it ceased. Yet now, I can still recall, the Purity of God as Existence Alone. The vision is of course indescribable, and does not bring ecstatic joy, but it is something you cannot take your mind off. This is the second time I experienced a vision of God in His Essence, as if the veil was either lifted up or made a bit more transparent.

This would be a good opportunity to record my Eucharistic ecstasy. It is perhaps a miracle, but a small one. However small it is, it is significant for my own Faith. At Sunday Mass, I had began to actually enjoy the Mass more than I usually do. Then when I receive the Eucharistic Host and He entered my mouth and settled on my tongue, I felt this great joy such that I began to tear up and cry a little bit. Eventually I was compelled to laugh out this joy, but it is the House of God so I must maintain the atmosphere of prayer. As such it felt like I was hyperventilating resisting the laugh. The joy lasted way after the Mass. When I recalled the experience, I recall seeing Christ in His Beauty, that is His Divinity, Beauty Himself. His Beauty transcends all beauties I have ever seen on earth. This vision is of course identical to the formless vision I described before.

Now, I wish to write about a dream of mine. As I was on the way to university or perhaps going home, sometime this afternoon, I had a desired thought. That dream is to unite my individual readers as a community of readers, where we would discuss my writings to deepen our understanding of life, God, and the world. The next step is transforming it into a community of writers, where we read each other’s work, inspired by each other, and continuing to deepen our skills and understanding of what we are writing from each other. Yet I feel that this is such a difficult task and I doubt many people will want to invest their time and resources on a seemingly useless and fruitless endeavor.

Yet that idea of a community springs into a spiritual community. I have always longed for a community of friends I am a part of where we can freely open up and discuss our spiritual circumstances. We can then create a project where we either study the Faith together and evangelize together, and we can help many people as a united force. I think, my desire is becoming larger and larger, and even more hopeless as it seems. I used to only desire a single friend to help me, but now I want it to be an entire community of friends. What in the world am I thinking?

Why do I dream of these things? Because I rarely encounter friends similar enough to me or on the same level as I am such that we can be comfortable enough with each other as I described. I am lonely, that is it. You know, there is a deep despair in me, such that I have lost hope in gaining a life partner. I know that it is all my fault and that I lack trust in God, but that is sincerely what I feel and think. So, I just wish that I can have just one friend that shares the same dreams as I do. The dream of personal sanctification and world sanctification. Yet now, I wish for an entire community of friends.

For I never felt I fit in with any proper community. In most communities I am part of, I feel like I am still an outsider and that I still am not part of the actual community, even if I hold a rank there. And of course, as the not-wanting-to-blame-others kind of person, I blame myself for all of this lack of fitting in. I cannot mention these communities, but there are a lot of them. I just am not similar enough, I never am, I am just too different. I don’t even want to be a leader figure in my dream friendship community, yet I fear I will have to be because I am the one who always has to reach out, or at least most of the time. I do not know why, my intellect is always distorted on this matter. I always think that I am the one that has to begin things, that I have to earn everything, that I have to gain love, even with God. Ah, it became a lamentation, forgive me. I hope that this work can still bring goodness to others…

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