Kanon Jiwa 15

 Is it a feeling, or is it a desire? The desire to leave life forever grows stronger and stronger. The words of my friends helped me to fight this desire, to uphold the Will of God. However, it may not be strong enough. I may want to lose completely and just back out completely. Why do I feel this? The reason is I feel tired. I feel hurt from doing all of this. And I am tired from being hurt all of the time. Why do I feel tired? I want to be with God according to my own perceptions. I want to explore Him according to my own visions and perceptions, that is through philosophy and theology.

Yet the recognition that possibly God does not want that for me hurts me. I am drawn to fulfilling His Will perfectly, I feel that if I am anything short of perfection, I will not be accepted into heaven, or that I will be thrown away and cast away. I know that God is not like that. That God is Mercy and Love, that God accepts me even if I am stained and blemished with venial sin. Yet I fear always that there will be a mortal sin that I forgot to confess. Or even worse, that I fail to make it to confession, and then I die in eternal loss. 

I know my feelings are irrational, that I can reverse all of this. I can go to confession and I can make up the work I lost in college. Yet there's a part of me that wants to give up entirely. This part, that wants to just die and go to hell. After all, I am in a state of mortal sin, if I die now, I will go to hell. Well, God can save me extraordinarily, but does He have sufficient reason to do so? Nobody knows. I don't, only God knows.

The way my mind works is as follows. If philosophy is meaningful, journalism is meaningful. If journalism is meaningless, then philosophy is meaningless. As I view journalism is meaningless in terms of God, then God is meaningless and so too all of life. It is a slippery slope of the mind. Is it fallacious? Yes. Is it the reality of my mind? Yes. Eventually, I view irrationally that God has abandoned me and that God does not love me as much as I want HIm to love me. In fact, this is the reason I had the delusion that I am the reincarnation of Christ. I was jealous of Christ's glory, so I wanted to be Him to be God's most beloved.

I guess it's still the same. That even so, God loves some people more than others, because these people deserve greater love than others. Yet in a sense, God loves everyone equally. Then my question is, how can I regain control of my life? How can I move my will to the right direction irrespective of my sufferings? I want to know a practical way to do that. But now, I am lost. I have begged God to change my self, to give me a new set of self, but it seems He refuses to do so. It is as if He said, "I have given you the graces to change, now you must do your part." Yet I feel He has not done His part at all. All He has done is give me superficial consolations which do nothing to change my being. They simply distract me from my problems, it's like a drug, a mere painkiller.

Now, I am angry at God. For He has stayed silent and merely allowed the distorted perceptions of Him to rule me. He simply watches from His eternal bliss. Even when He understands my suffering completely, as He is perfect knowledge, He allows me to dwell in irrationality and to have no fruit from this darkness. He allows me to have this mindset that my suffering is meaningless and that my life has no contribution for anything at all. He allows me to have this perverted view of God that I want Him to be affected by my actions so I consider them to matter. Yet in that definition, nothing matters.

He allows me to make the choice to weaken myself to the point where I can no longer fight against these irrationalities and these darknesses. Or perhaps, He never gave me the power to fight in the first place, it was He who deprived me of that power. By allowing man to fall and thus allowing my mother to suffer and thus allowing me to suffer like this. Lord, why do You withdraw Your hand in such a way? Please, oh God, extend Your Hand and end this wickedness. Will You allow me to actually fall into hell? Does my loss have no meaning to You?

Lord, why do You allow me to rebel against You? Why do You allow me to be angry against You?

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